Roy is sitting directly outside my door and I hate him with all my heart. Also he hasn’t worn a shirt during every occasion I’ve been unfortunate enough to see him. Is he too drunk to put one on, EVER?
Once I find out if the table and chairs belong to Sasha or to him, I’m taking them inside immediately if they belong to Sasha. I do not want him hanging out shirtless outside my WINDOW behind which I often myself walk naked- IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME, fuck you Roy- but other than that my strategy is to think up feasible solutions to removing his existence from my life, forever
ideas:
a. leave a trail of whiskey bottles that get progressively more full of whiskey, leading from his door out into the washes and the desolate desert
b. Put a sign up on my door that states my new rule: Anyone who sits outside my window must put on a shirt (so he’ll have to go out and buy one, or more likely, fall asleep drunk in his own goddamn room)
c. Put the sign up and wait for him to get furious and try to break something, and then call the cops on him
d. Leave a couple brownies out on the table full of 10 hits of acid and enjoy observing him lose his “sanity” (hhahahahahaha) and go off, hopefully, into the desolate desert (instead of say my apartment)
e. Leave out insulting reading materials on the table, such as: poetry by Sylvia Plath; anything by Audre Lorde; anything by Maya Angelou; anything by Inga Muscio;
basically anything radical, feminist, and angry that I love and can put out as passive aggressive projections of my wish to castrate him (except I do not want to see him that naked. gross.)
The denser and more articulate the writing is, the more offensive it would be to him (can he READ?)
f. Leave out insulting materials on the table such as “Learning to Read for Idiots” and “Alcoholism Anonymous: How to Let go out of that Fifth of Whiskey” books (I’m not sure if these two exact titles or books exist but I’ll write them just for Roy)
g. Leave out a zine supposedly for “anyone” but in fact directed to him, on: daytime drinking and its bad consequences; not wearing a shirt and its bad consequences; infringing on someone else’s privacy and its very bad consequences
h. Put tacks on the chairs and explain it’s just a project for school. What does HE care?
i. Blast annoying music (which to him would be anything but 90s cheese) right by the window, and lock the door so that he can’t get in, and hide in my other room to pretend I’m either not there, in the bathroom, or can’t hear him knocking and shouting as I’m sure he eventually will
j. Place “Reserved” signs on the seats and tops on the chairs without explanation. However, in fact he cannot read which seems likely, this would be ineffective.
k. Place pictures of women castrating men in a collage covering the table and the chairs.
I think the whiskey trail would actually be the most/only effective option. Alcohol is the only thing he responds to. That and loud music when he’s hung over, but if he wasn’t so big and bearish I would enjoy annoying him more; as it is my feelings teeter more towards fear and that annoys myself even more.
l. Make a voodoo doll resembling him, shirtless beer belly and everything, with pins in it. Without explanation. Maybe make a tiny little shirt for the doll bearing the words “Put Me On” and an arrow pointing from shirt to doll.
m. Draw a line with paint starting at my door and crayon in “Sasha’s Side- Keep Out” on the inside
n. Kill him. duh. ugggggggggh. leave Roy leave leave leave.
